mindfulness and change 正念地改變了嗎?

In a one sangha gathering, a friend asked:" what is the biggest change after practicing mindfulness?" I shared saying: I learned how to take care myself well." However, this change is not happening because mindfulness only, some friends, dearest god daughter (she is an angel for me showing me the beauty of life healing some wounds), Dr. Julia, flower essences,Buddha, Guayin. They help me so much and I have chance to understand deeply about Thay' teaching.While being Deer Park, my roommate, Brother Phap Dung's mother told me: " Life is not easy but beautiful." Then I cried all night for her words. Yes. What a long journey for me. Mindfulness is perfect tool for me to learn how to heal. I still need more time to prepare for the darkest part inside. I realize now I have many support with me. I will be never in such dark alone for a long time anymore. I will have chance to transform all suffering.
某天，一位共修朋友問了大家: 「因為正念之後有什麼最大的改變嗎?」

這不是個容易回答的問題，可以答的淺或深，我說:「我知道了如何照顧自己」。可能因此啟動回憶機智想想究竟這幾年變了什麼，好像更遠更深的東西跑了出來，記起來了一直都在身邊的朋友，甚至抱著小Z覺得生命這麼純粹的那刻 (小Z絕對是療癒我的重要人物，雖然她小小年紀老是打我)。所謂正念並不是一個突發事件或學習，經歷超黑暗，有多少貴人菩薩陪著，因而才認得出來這個法門呢，真的想到這麼深可能會哭個不停吧。


四年前走到圓山診所接觸到花精的我，應該根本認不得現在的自己吧，這幾年，學到「照顧自己」不是秀秀拍拍而已，大概是那種過去躺在地上讓路人踩也無所謂，到竟然還會想要改景觀設計這樣的譬喻吧。雖然現在寫寫心得什麼的好像爬些格子而已，真的真的活著不容易，但活著很美好，這句話是在 Deer Park時Brother Phap Dung媽媽跟我說，她說完了我就哭了整晚...